|Feet cold and wet.||Glass being held at incorrect angle.||Rotate glass so that open end points to ceiling.|
|Feet warm and wet.||Improper bladder control.||Stand next to nearest dog and complain about house training.|
|Drink unusually pale and tasteless.||Glass empty.||Get someone to buy you another drink.|
|Opposite wall covered in fluorescent light.||You have fallen over backward.||Have yourself leashed to bar.|
|Mouth contains cigarette butts.||You have fallen forward.||See above.|
|Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.||Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.||Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.|
|Floor blurred.||You are looking through bottom of empty glass.||Get someone to buy you another drink.|
|Floor moving.||You are being carried out.||Find out if you are being taken to another bar.|
|Room seems unusually dark.||Bar has closed.||Confirm home address with bartender.|
|Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.||Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.||Cover mouth.|
|Everyone looks up to you and smiles.||You are dancing on the table.||Fall on somebody cushy-looking.|
|Drink is crystal clear.||It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.||Punch him.|
|Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.||You have been in a fight.||Apologise to everybody you see just in case it was them.|
|Don’t recognise anyone, don’t recognise the room you’re in.||You’ve wandered into the wrong party.||See if they have free alcohol.|
|Your singing sounds distorted.||The drink is too weak.||Have more alcohol until your voice improves.|
|Don’t remember the words to the song.||Drink is just right.||Play air guitar.|
Article reproduced with permission from The StockAuditor Magazine, July 2003, Issue 48. Published by The Institute of Licensed Trade Stock Auditors.
Life, by a pub philosopher
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaking tyre.
3. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £10 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you’re the insect; some days you’re the windscreen.
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
22. Generally speaking, you don’t learn much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Reproduced with kind permission from the Morning Advertiser no. 213, 23rd September 2004.